You Are My Sunshine

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine 

You make me happy, when skies are grey 

You’ll never know dear, how much I love you

Please don’t take my sunshine away”

I’m not sure of the story behind this popular children’s song, or who it’s originally written about, but I do know who it’s about in my story.  

They say a child born before a loss is known as a “sunshine” child.  My sunshine is my yellow haired, bright eyed boy, Jack.  The words of the song ring true for him in every way, especially in the wake of losing his baby sister.  

Jack is my only sunshine, the only one of my children who will ever know me before and after Kate.  The only child who survived the storm with us.  I often feel like he is blessed and cursed to have known what his mother was like before her heart was shattered.  Nate will never know me as a mom who doesn’t have a gigantic scar on her heart.  And while Jack was so young when it all happened, he still had a much different experience in those first 2 years then his siblings ever will.  

Jack truly made our days happier when the skies were so grey, they almost looked black.  He was the reason I needed to get out of bed and his sweet face saved me from drowning in a sea of tears in those early days.  He can make me smile in any circumstance.  I am so blessed that God put that little blonde boy in my life first.

Jack will never realize how he saved me and how much I love him for that.  He will never know the impact his existence had on getting me through what I thought would surely kill me.  And although I’ll spend my whole life trying to show him, I know he will never fully understand how much I love him. 

The love between a mother and son is unique, and so is the love between a mother and her first born.  I hope Jack realizes someday what a beacon of light he is to me and how special he is.  I have never known a child quite like him and he holds his own special place in my heart, right next to the scar left by his sister and the place I hold onto Nate too.